Monday, April 30, 2007

Smoke Break

I give my best at work. I try hard to work diligently and to add to both the company and to the field in which I work. I try not to let (un)professional jealously get in my way.

But they've broken me.

I'm considering the unthinkable: taking up smoking. Sure, I'm deathly allergic to cigarette smoke. Sure, it may shorten my life expectancy. But consider the advantages! Instead of working eight hours a day, broken up by lunch and the occasional bathroom break, I could be working much less as I feed my addiction with periodic 10-15 minute smoke breaks. If I were to jump into the deep end, say 3-4 packs a day, I could reduce my actual work time to around 4 hours a day. All done legally within corporate and federal guidelines!

And don't forget the social benefits. Rather than being walled off from the "community of smokers" I would open up new networking avenues. I could schmooze with the big wigs as they feed their addictions. This could seriously advance my job possibilities! I'll no longer be that guy who is always confused for the other guy who smokes but bears about as much resemblance to me as Yoda does to Obi-Wan. I'll be my own mistaken identity guy who smokes. There's no telling how much work I can avoid as a result of e-mails sent to someone besides myself!

Milk Chocolate CigarsI've even selected the brands I will begin with. First, to look more manly, I have selected these cigars (right). I understand they have a rich, chocolate flavor reminiscent of those little hollow chocolate Easter eggs. I'm almost looking forward to this! Candy CigarettesFor more common usage, I don't think I should stick with these rich cigars (I don't want to impact my weight too much), and so I have selected theses cigarettes. They are reputed to have a chalky, sugary sweetness that is simply irresistible.

My plan seems foolproof. I'm sure you guys will shoot a few holes in it; just don't ruin my dream of a lazy life at full salary, please.

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Douglas said...

That's actually not all that far out there. When I delivered mail in college, I knew one lady who would actually go out to the loading dock with the smokers to get a break. Breaks weren't allowed for the non-smoking employees, unless they hung out with the boss on her smoke break. Another lady decided that she would take a book to the women's room to get her break. Every day she headed to the restroom at a convenient time (or said she was heading there), whether she needed to "go" or not.


euphrony said...

Mrs. E has informed me that Rachel did something similar in an episide of Friends. I never felt that original with this idea, but now I kinda feel like a schmo.

Carrie said...

My friends and I take what we refer to as a "nonsmokers smoke break"... we just go outside and breath in fresh air as opposed to nasty air. Just call it that, people will be so impressed with your creativity that they'll think you deserve a break.

Chaotic Hammer said...

I try and approach my work like you do in your first paragraph. I'm helped a lot by the fact that I actually enjoy my work, and even look forward to it sometimes, as it is often interesting and challenging.

As such, if I were a smoker, it would actually bother me that I would have to pause right in the middle of something I'm trying to finish, to feed some sort of physical craving/addiction.

I absolutely agree that the available hours for work and productivity of smokers is far below that of non-smokers.

But I still wouldn't want to replace the freedom I have, and the clear conscience about my work ethic, just to get a few extra breaks from work every hour. No thank you.

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