Caption Contest

I'm taking suggestions for a caption for this picture of Lil'E taken over the Thanksgiving holiday.

Tags: Caption Contest, Children, Thanksgiving

A modest proposition

Editor's Note: This post should in no way infer any criticism, jealously, or a fits of semi-conscious delirium on the part of the author. Okay, maybe the last; but definitely not the first two.

I have discussed this with Mrs. Euphrony, and she seems to be in agreement. So I throw out this modest proposition for Kat and Jimmy.

Kat and Jimmy: We propose that we switch children for a week. This would not be anything trashy like ABC's Wife Swap, but more along the lines of Ultimate Survivor: Suburbia. We're proposing a simple exchange of children for seven days, and the odds seem to be in your favor. You get two for three and go back to man-to-man coverage, while we get three for two and step up to the zone defense.

"But why?", you ask. Think of it like a foreign exchange situation, where you are able to learn of different cultures through a total immersion experience.

NAPS:
Mrs. E and I understand that your children take naps. Even simultaneously. Our children take naps, as well. (Disclaimer: "Children" should not be construed to be plural. Liler'E takes naps as he is still too young to fully resist. Lil'E takes quiet time, where she goes into her room and colors and sings and plays with dolls for ten (10) minutes, after which she begins the routine of whining to come out every five (5) minutes.) Lil'E loves to play in her room for hours at a time. (Disclaimer: The hours of playtime in room occur between 9:00 p.m. and midnight.)

EATING:
We also understand that your children are good eaters, even liking and requesting broccoli for dinner. Our children also love a variety of foods. They eat well from the mac & cheese food group, and the Halloween candy group is equally loved. They are more picky when it comes to the deep-fried foods, regularly consuming only corn dogs and chicken nuggets. Fruits, such as apples and bananas, are often requested; requests are also made for broccoli, peas, green beans, and squash (Disclaimer: Requests for all vegetables should not be taken to imply the request is to eat them, or even have them on a plate.)

PARENTAL SLEEP:
Rumor has it that you are, on occasion, able to have eight (8) consecutive hours of uninterrupted sleep. Mrs. E was recently able to get eight hours of sleep, with only minor interruptions. In exchange, I only got four hours or sleep. Thus a healthy average of six hours of sleep was obtained by the parental units of our household. If the child exchange goes forward, you can expect similar nights of sound sleep. (Disclaimer: The phrase "sound sleep" should not be taken to imply that sleep will be solid. Rather, sleep will be full of sounds as Liler E is awake and either screaming or watching Baby Einsteins for between ninety (90) minutes and two (2) hours each night.)

ARTS:
Finally, we are lead to believe that your children are intelligent, with a love of reading, and artistic skills. Our children also love reading, from classics like Hansel and Gretal to modern favorites like Junie B. Jones and the Yucky Blucky Fruitcake. They also like singing, even turning the entire day into a musical experience. (Disclaimer: By "musical experience", you should understand that the words that day will be delivered entirely in song, like a musical set to The Wonder Pets.) The Daliesque artwork of Lil'E is on display below, depicting an ink drawing of me just after getting a hair cut last night - I have my short hair, my short pants, and my shirt. Special attention was given to my nose, ears, and hands (which have an average of six fingers each).

PLEA OF DESPERATION:
So, Kat and Jimmy, should you elect to participate in this once in a lifetime opportunity, please let us know. We love our boy and girl madly, and would love yours for the week we had them as well. Likely, I wake up from this dream and realize that I was only typing in my sleep all night long. Okay, wake up *now*. *NOW*! WAKE UP EUPHRONY! Somebody please help me!!!!!!!!!

Tags: Pure insanity, Wife Swap, Baby Einsteins, Wonder Pets, Sleep, Plea of Desperation, Eating, Naps, Art, Modest Proposition, Junie B. Jones, Broccoli

Book Review (abridged)

Let be begin by making clear that this is a book review and not a movie review. While I love the movie, I am specifically talking about the book The Princess Bride, S. Morgenstern's classic novel, abridged by William Goldman in 1973. Let us then continue.

I recently reread one of the great all-time classic novels of daring-do, The Princess Bride. A great work, well-abridged by William Goldman (who penned the scripts for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, All the President's Men, and Marathon Man, among many other great works), this is by all measures an enjoying read. The funny thing of it is this: just after I finished reading I caught a snippet of an aural review for this on NPR (it being the 20^th anniversary of the movies release). Interested, I went to the web to track down a text of this review. I was, admittedly, shocked when I finally found the text and discovered it to be a 500-plus page treatise on the novel, the movie, and the Goldman abridgement. The original book was only 1000 pages, and Goldman's "good parts" version only reached a little over 300 pages; finding so long and convoluted a review puzzled me, especially after hearing a more concise version on the radio. So, as a public service, I have decided to offer up an abridgement of the review, and forgive me if this action seems ludicrous (but it is).

Unfortunately, no copy of the original review, written by the leading Florinese expert in the U.S.A. - Professor Bongiorno of Columbia University, exists on the internet (don't ask how I found a copy, but I have some good sources). So take my word on this - I try to remain true to the review of the spirit of the novel, as captured by Goldman's abridgement. A great part of the Bongiorno review focuses on the satirical nature of Morgenstern's original (truly a classic) and the skewering of Florinese and Guilderian royalty. He includes in-depth discussion on why Morgenstern hated doctors (infinitely preferring miracle men to any sawbones), the exquisite detail paid to foliage, and laments on the slow destruction of landmarks such as the Cliffs of Insanity and the famous Florin/Guilder Fire Swamp by tourists (which he lays at Goldman's feet, of course). Here goes nothin'.

The Princess Bride, written by Simon Morgenstern, is a classic tale of high adventure, true love, revenge, giants, fencing, despair, and hope. The abridgement, by William Goldman, is as equally forgettable as Morgenstern's masterpiece is memorable. (Me again. How's that for getting things going. In two short sentences, Bongiorno presents his bias openly and sets up Morgenstern as the greatest author since God Almighty laid down the Ten Commandments. The whole review comes across with these kind of overstatements. Personally, I loved both the original - for its satire, though it goes slow at times - and the abridgement for the fast-paced action and for the insights on the difficulties of winnowing out the "good parts". Back to the review.)

In opening the pages of this great work, you find yourself transported to the lush forests and grasslands of Florin, jewel of Europe (see what I mean about foliage), where we find the plight of the common - though not so common - man. We find Westley, the archetypical rags to riches character combined with the abilities of any great adventurer, as an orphaned farm hand. His true love, the beauty Buttercup, hardly knows he exists until she realizes that other women notice him; then loves burns bright. As Westley goes to seek fortune to win Buttercup's hand in marriage, she progresses to becoming the most beautiful woman on earth and dwells in sorrow over Westley's supposed demise. Through capture and befriending by the Dread Pirate Roberts, Westley quickly becomes one of the greatest fighters and thinkers of the world, returning only to find that true love has become the princess and is to be wed soon to Prince Humperdinck, the greatest hunter ever (note the abundance of great people), who secretly plans his brides murder and war with Guilder.

Through confrontations with Inigo, Fezzik, and Vizzini, Westley reclaims his love, braving the fire swamp, only to lose her again to Humperdinck. Tortured for months by the cruel, six-fingered Count Rugen (killer of Inigo's father) Westley is finally rescued by Inigo and Fezzik, the very people he defeated in rescuing Buttercup, and resurrected by Miracle Max (he was, after all, only mostly dead). The trio proceeds to again rescue Buttercup from the foul Humperdinck, avenge Inigo's father, and evade Brute Squad's to find freedom and happiness.

Based strictly on historical events from the extended period of conflict between Guilder and Florin, Morgenstern . . . (Sorry, me again. At this point, I feel, Bongiorno goes over the deep end and the proceeding 500 pages is, at best, unfathomable. At times he even slips into idiosyncratic dribble. I thus spare you the rest and conclude with this: read the book! You'll laugh; you'll cry; it's better than Cats. Take my advice and go get a copy now. If you get a more recent copy, you'll even be treated to Goldman's abridgement of the first chapter of Buttercup's Baby, the also-classic sequel by Morgenstern. Unfortunately, due to ongoing litigation between Goldman, the Morgenstern estate (represented by a family of lawyers by the name of Shog), and Stephen King (who has many Florinese relatives and an intense interest in doing the abridgement) the full abridged sequel has yet to see light of day. Keep hoping!)

Tags: Book Review, Do not believe everything you read, The Princess Bride, William Goldman, Simon Morgenstern, False History, Satire

Natural Disaster: The Kids Game!

Dear United Nations,

Thank you for giving everyone the opportunity to plan for and possibly mitigate natural disasters in an 80's-style video game. I sincerely appreciate how you were so deftly able to teach me the importance of defences, warning systems, and community building opportunities in the face of floods, earthquakes, and hurricanes. I promise that next time I will not place the hospital on the beach, without proper structural supports, before a tsunami hits. In retrospect, that was probably not the best move. Same goes for building the emergency shelter as a grass hut when a wildfire was likely. My bad.

Most important, I want to thank you for preventing me from demolishing, willy-nilly, the existing infrastructure of a community for the base purpose of building up my hotel empire. I can only assume that this is symbolic that you, the United Nations, are deeply interested in every community - large or small - and of the power you wield sufficient to prevent greedy "players" from taking advantage of the common man.

I am eagerly awaiting the famine, pestilence, and genocide editions, which I will play with equal fervor. Until then, I will have to continue to practice my skills at staving off these basic natural disasters.

Ineffaceably,
Euphrony

P.S. I love your other kid's offerings, as well.

Tags: Sarcasm, Natural Disaster, United Nations, Video Game, Flood, Earthquake, Hurricane, Wildfire, Tsunami

Smoke Break

I give my best at work. I try hard to work diligently and to add to both the company and to the field in which I work. I try not to let (un)professional jealously get in my way.

But they've broken me.

I'm considering the unthinkable: taking up smoking. Sure, I'm deathly allergic to cigarette smoke. Sure, it may shorten my life expectancy. But consider the advantages! Instead of working eight hours a day, broken up by lunch and the occasional bathroom break, I could be working much less as I feed my addiction with periodic 10-15 minute smoke breaks. If I were to jump into the deep end, say 3-4 packs a day, I could reduce my actual work time to around 4 hours a day. All done legally within corporate and federal guidelines!

And don't forget the social benefits. Rather than being walled off from the "community of smokers" I would open up new networking avenues. I could schmooze with the big wigs as they feed their addictions. This could seriously advance my job possibilities! I'll no longer be that guy who is always confused for the other guy who smokes but bears about as much resemblance to me as Yoda does to Obi-Wan. I'll be my own mistaken identity guy who smokes. There's no telling how much work I can avoid as a result of e-mails sent to someone besides myself!

I've even selected the brands I will begin with. First, to look more manly, I have selected these cigars (right). I understand they have a rich, chocolate flavor reminiscent of those little hollow chocolate Easter eggs. I'm almost looking forward to this! For more common usage, I don't think I should stick with these rich cigars (I don't want to impact my weight too much), and so I have selected theses cigarettes. They are reputed to have a chalky, sugary sweetness that is simply irresistible.

My plan seems foolproof. I'm sure you guys will shoot a few holes in it; just don't ruin my dream of a lazy life at full salary, please.

Tags: Sarcasm, Chocolate Cigars, Candy Cigarettes, Smoking, Lazy, Smoke Break, Work