The Cheese Man

Today is School Picture Day at Lil'E's kindergarten. School Pictures are a racket, I think.

No, really, it's a load of crock how they work. We get the order form a few days before picture day. We then proceed to choose from four poses for Lil'E, including:

1. The lousy standing pose, with arms crossed and body twisted, half-facing the camera and half-running toward the exit.
2. The lousy sitting pose, with arms crossed and body twisted, half-facing the camera and half-falling toward the exit.
3. Same as Pose #2, but zoomed in on upper body/face.
4. Same as Pose #2, but zoomed in so close on the face you feel like you could count boogers

The choice then ranges to background color: fade to Gray, blend-in Blue, putrescent Purple, and oh my eyes are bleeding Green. The fun continues as you decide how many pictures to order. Order none and your child will be crushed. Order too many and you might as well invest in recycling for all the bad photos you'll be disposing of. And then, before the child ever sees the photographer, you pay for it all. Sight unseen, you have just become a victim of caveat emptor.

At preschool, they used a guy named Mr. Funny. I don't know his family, but a more auspicious name for a good child photographer there could not be. Sure, he ran into walls a lot, but all the kids laughed and we got some awesome pictures of Lil'E from his handiwork (see right). This year Lil'er E will benefit from exposure to his shutter, but it seems that big sis will be left out to rot by The Cheese Man.

Oh, and did I forget to mention the rash? Yes, Lil'E has had a cold, and recovering from the viral infection she has gotten a little rash. It is right above her upper lip and on her cheek. She's five, and she looks broke out like a teenager. On Picture Day! She even said this morning that she didn't like the way she looked - poor girl.

About the title - if you don't know, that is a chapter from a Junie B. Jones book, and it seemed apropos. What, you've never heard of Junie B. Jones? She is the star of a series of books by Barbara Parks, following the exploits of a girl in kindergarten (and now 1^st grade). She is everychild, and Lil'E loves the books. Some parents may not like the way the Junie B. acts (okay, most wouldn't) but it is realistic of kids that age and provides moments when we can point out good and bad behavior and actually have Lil'E listen to us. We were introduced by a book on CD from a Wendy's kids meal. Below you can listen to Chapter 1, "The Cheese Man", from Junie B. Jones Has A Monster Under Her Bed. Just try not to laugh.


Tags: School Pictures, Photographer, Bad Day, Barbara Park, Junie B. Jones, Kids Books